markedformore | (no subject)

One of Erik's steady routines has become a drink at eight PM, after dinner, at the closest bar to his apartment. Since Neil has re-opened his bar, he's transferred his patronage there, given his loyalty to the man (or perhaps it's merely a sense of shared commiseration given their last shared home). Tonight is no different. At eight, he's found his way to the bar and has ordered himself a beer, choosing to drink light tonight. It's become a respite for his thoughts and with Charles taking his serum, those thoughts have free reign in a way they rarely have since the island.

There, he had no worry of Charles diving into his mind to search and find the secrets he's been shielding (from what he had done when sent back to that camp, how he had nearly jumped off a building, his feelings for Rogue and much deeper than that, much deeper than all of it, his feelings when it comes to Charles). It's been frustrating to keep those thoughts locked up, knowing that only shielding can keep Charles out, but with the serum at play, he needs not worry about that.

It's why he feels capable of having a second, then a third beer, scoffing wryly as he thinks of the ones they'd shared on the road during their recruitments.

Time's passed a great deal for him and doubly so for Charles.

The world is no longer what it used to be.

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Erik raises his brow and taps his temple to give Charles permission to dive into his mind to find the memories he wants to -- of how he had been in that strange loop of time and thought that ending things would be the simplest way, of how he had saved Tracy's life only by offering up his own. Actively, he hadn't wanted to die, but in a passive and quiet way, he'd also thought there had been nothing much to stand and live for without his powers.

"No," he says. "I wasn't. I was weak and powerless and lonely. And you are better," Erik insists. "Not only for your powers, but including them. You're smart and clever and resourceful and wise and kind," he says each word like they are targeted weapons themselves. "And your capacity of power is incredible. You saved me, didn't you?"

With a bit of reluctance, Charles touched a fingertip to his temple, directing his focus into Erik's mind. The memories were painful. In them, Erik was resigned. Resigned to death-- not quite wishing for it, but caring little for the desperately normal and aimless future ahead of him.

"I thought I'd made a mistake, in trusting in you. I've spent the last ten bloody years wanting you to be a monster. It was easier, believing that. In fact, I did very little besides what was easy, for all those years. I'm not inherently better, Erik. We're both more than capable of making bad choices."

Erik can feel Charles rooting around in there, but he remains silent and allows Charles his explorations. Only when he speaks does Erik close the door gently on those memories, not quite slamming it shut with a padlock as he's tempted. "Then shall I make a mad request?" Erik offers. "Can we make these bad choices here, together, in friendship?"

There is a thread of desperation in his voice, having not realized how much he would miss Charles' affections and friendships until they were gone.

Lord help him, but there was a part of him still screaming for him to say no. He was still driven by the need to keep distance between himself and Erik, to protect himself from the pain Erik had caused him.

From the pain they'd caused each other.

But instead, he rested his hands in his lap, leaving Erik's mind without complaint, as the door was shut to him. "Yes, I think it's time we did," he said, his voice suddenly rough with emotion he would've rather kept hidden.